Ramblings of an idle mind

I am so awful. And I can do nothing about it.

2005-09-01T12:13:00.000+05:30

I have an elder sister, who got married about two years back.
His family treated her very badly, insulted my parents throughout the 2 years of their marriage.
Now they are trying a patch-up.
As a part of the process, they want to take a vacation down South, and visit me for a few days.

The best thing for me to do is shut-up and let this pass. After all, its just a few days.

But I hate this man. I don't want him in my house.
I want to tell my sister to not come over.
And I probably will.

I must be the worst sister ever!

I know life is not perfect when...

2005-07-27T13:36:00.000+05:30

1. When people whose blogs I read do not update it and I open their page to a post I have already read.
Worse if there is a new post, but only one line long.

2. When I keep waiting for the guy I have my 11 o'clock tea with, and he comes late to work and tell me that he doesn't want to have tea.
Worse if he invites his friend to join us without asking me.

3. When people say things I have just been thinking.
Worse if I can't even repeat it as well as them.

4. When I buy a book that was strongly recommended but I can't read it beyond a few pages because it is very boring.
Worse when same people see that book on my shelf and start raving about it all over again.

5. When I finish making a sketch and a couple of days later I realize that something could be slightly changed to make it better (leaving me with a feeling that it would never be perfect).
Worse if I notice it after it has been framed.

6. When I develop the pictures from a special trip and most of them are not good, because of the photography experiments I kept trying.
Worse if it was an expensive, overseas place that I would never visit again.

7. When I go to an empty house and miss being with the only guy I ever cared about.
Worse when I know that he is home with his pregnant wife.

Does it happen to you?

2005-07-18T08:57:00.000+05:30

What is the true sign of friendship,

being around to help and console,
when friends are in trouble
or
being truly happy without any envy,
when friends are doing well?

There are people, for whom I would do anything if they need help. But I do not share their happiness the same way as I share their sorrows. Their tragedies give company to my own troubles, but their happiness makes me lonely.

Comfortably numb

2005-06-24T06:34:00.000+05:30

London hit headlines second day in a row. Only the mood was vastly different.

As expected, London blasts got its fair place in the discussion over tea at work. What I did not expect was the reaction of some of my colleagues to it.

"Only 45 dead. Whats the big deal? In India so many people die everyday."

So is this how we react to a disaster?
Why should our reaction to a tragedy be based on the number of people who died in it?

Whether its 45 or 45000, they were all innocent and didn't deserve to die. They probably had no opinion on the issues for which they were killed. They probably didn't even vote or like the leaders any better than the people who planted these bombs.

Has the importance of human life reduced for us, because we hear people losing their lives in our country everyday due to heat, rain, cold or blasts?

Gill te Guitar

2005-06-16T18:37:00.000+05:30

I have a new favorite in music.

I avoided buying his album all this time, since I presumed its one of those things that people are scared to criticize and hence it just keeps getting bigger. But then a friend bought me this album, not knowing my aversion to anything that gets too popular too soon.

So this Monday when I was driving back from work, I put this cassette in, because the only other option I had was an old, dying U2 album that I have listened to so many times, I even know the duration of the pause between two songs and I can sing along the entire cassette without missing a single beat. So I thought let me try this artist for a change.

As the music flowed, I was in no hurry to get out of the Hosur Road traffic. I wanted to listen to the entire album and taste all songs. I ached to remember the lyrics so I could sing along.

Music was simple, lyrics even better. Now when I listen to his songs, I feel sad that I'll never experience the joy of listening to him for the first time.

Artist I am raving about, is Rabbi.

I was myself yesterday

2005-06-06T21:45:00.000+05:30

When was the last time you met someone for the first time and ...

felt like you have known them forever?

Nah! not so dramatic.
But just felt comfortable, conversation flowed and it was not a question/answer session. None of those what are you reading, watching, listening whatever questions.

I met two guys yesterday for the first time. We spent 3 hours at Koshy's. They were not prospective dates, employers or relatives, so I had no pressure to look good or sound intelligent or be nice. They were not my friends and knew little about me, so there was no emotional load sharing. We did not meet through a common interest group, so conversation was not confined to any one area.

I was going to meet them for tea, expecting it to last 30 minutes and then out of there. I already had plans to meet other friends later. But I stayed for 4 cups of tea and I felt honest, though my stomach was a little queasy and I badly wanted to pee.

Not to mention, there was no concern about many missed calls from the friends I had planned to meet.

I may never see these guys again, but that might be for the best.
It cannot get better.

Pessimist or Practical?

2005-05-29T14:31:00.000+05:30

My life has been going well.
Ok, let me rephrase that. My life is spinning out of my control but it seems to be spinning in the right direction.
My ex has got in touch with me again - and well, quite literally at that. Problem is that he is married. But I figure (for now) that its his problem.
I met a guy who might be interested in marrying me. Although I am yet to think that far.
I am enjoying my work.
I have not been shopping too much. So I must not be depressed either.
My mother is all set to visit me in a couple of weeks. And for a change, I am looking forward to it.

It makes me very uneasy.
Tide is going to turn very soon.

Made to order

2005-05-27T19:10:00.000+05:30

I read this beautiful quote on Discovery channel about travel

"...like a good traveller, I have seen more than I remember and I remember more than I have seen"

It has been a month since I came back from my Singapore/Malaysia vacation and I think its about time to write about it. It is a comfortable blur in my head and I can draw my own lines around it now. My memories are ready to be tailored.

Anyway, who needs facts? There are plenty of sites about facts anyway. It is the memories that matter.

Memories last, for most part. In some form. And no one can validate or contradict them.

I think I should start a series on my Singapore travel next week. As I remember. Or as I want to remember. It would be memories, made to order!

Thank God

2005-05-27T18:18:00.000+05:30

Ever since I moved to Bangalore, I noticed that people here are a lot more religious than what I saw in Punjab. God is a big deal here. I now seriously hope that God is not one, because otherwise He will never prefer me over these super-religious people.
I don't go to temples, I don't do pooja, I don't fast.
I hope he doesn't care so much.

I do fear Him. And I thank him for various things. Usually the small things. Probably I feel I deserve the big ones.

When its raining outside but I know I am safe and warm in my single and creaking bed, I thank God.

When I am making a sketch and it turns out exactly as I wanted, I thank God.

When I am driving, listening to radio and they play one of my favourite songs that I have not heard in a long time, I thank God.

When I am out with friends, and my leg touches the guy I have a crush on and he does not move it, I thank God.

When I go home, open the door and see the house exactly as I left it, I thank God.

When I call home and my Mom answers the phone, I thank God.

Are Singles single for a reason?

2005-05-20T19:57:00.000+05:30

I n A went to TGIF this Saturday. We were all dressed up and as we walked in, we were sure we won't buy any more than one drink for ourselves. But as we walked in and scanned the crowd, to our horror, we saw only - families. Even at the bar!!

Is there no place for single people to go and not be reminded of their singlehood? There must be separate sections for singles. And god no, separate days are not an option. Singles do have to work. They run their households on single person salaries. So if any different, they work harder. So if the restaurant/pub owners think Wednesday is ok for singles night, let me tell you, it is not!

Anyway, we took our place and sat with our drinks. So while we were talking about men that do not exist and sharing opinions that would never be asked, a group of four guys came and sat at the table opposite us. As we were about to turn believers in God again, one of them walked over and said "hallo ladies!". He had haryana and "sax" written all over him.

Next thing I remember is a hasty exit and wondering, are these my options now?
Are all good ones taken and those who remain, are single for a reason?

Nostalgia

2005-05-12T20:43:00.000+05:30

8:45 pm,
at work,
only a handful of people left,
occasionally i hear the sound of keystrokes,
perfect

and then like a blessing, someone across the hall plays the Mohd Rafi song, "Suhaani Raat dhal chuki".

My eyes get moist,
my heart pains for something I don't know,
i feel like a blur,
i long for a hug.

Ah!!
Nostalgia.

Arranged marriage

2005-05-11T19:56:00.000+05:30

When a friend of yours tries to set you up with a guy, it is blind date, exploring options, taking chances, enjoying life etc etc. But when your parent try to do the same, it is "Arranged Marriage", a term which I fear more than most things.

And the tragedy is that while your friends set you up with charming non-committers (is that a word?), your parents find you boring guys with great brand names and too willing, alomst in a hurry, to commit.

So my parents have done it again. They have found a guy for me, who has IIT/IIM tag, profile on shaadi.com, great job in an MNC and to top it all, he also has a deadline to find a bride. So we had our first conversation over the phone, since the "Good Catch of Punjabi Community (GCPC from now on)" is settled in Mumbai, whereas yours truly is in Bangalore. So I answered dead-boring questions like "what are your hobbies" (by the way, now we use terms like interests, creative pursuits and what not), "what kind of a person are you" (how does one answer that ques? Can i say quirky, impatient, impulsive? I guess not. Even I wouldn't marry myself if I tell what kind of a person am I).

Of course, once we were done with the hobbies, we had little else to talk about but too polite to hang up. While I was thinking about "Friends" episode that I was going to miss, while hoping that my or his battery would die right there, he was making plans to visit Bangalore to see me.

And that scares me!! Completely!!
Since he has never been to Bangalore, I have the option to leave him at the airport if I cannot muster courage to deal with it more maturely.

In the meantime we are going to have telephone conversations(!). No prizes for guessing who would be doing the calling, or talking.

Damn!

Where does the story end

2005-05-09T14:37:00.000+05:30

"I was talking to R today and he asked me how often do I meet people for drinks. I answered, almost every weekend. He gave me a look which prompted me to ask why, is that bad?

He says it is not bad. But if you were narrating me a story that there were a boy and a girl, in a forest, at night and it was raining. Then even if your story ends there, in my mind it doesn't.
It is same for drinking. A guy and a girl go out for drinks. For me the story does not end there."

Where does the story end for you?
Is R primitive in his thoughts, or am I not in tune with the world of avarage Indian male?

What a women must know

2005-05-09T11:35:00.000+05:30

Stolen shamelessly from another blog :P

"A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
one old love she can imagine going back to...
and one who reminds her how far she has come.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
one friend who always make her laugh ...
and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE....
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover,and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder...
and when to walk away...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...
but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone...
even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust, whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table...or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Where did it go?

2005-05-05T18:15:00.000+05:30

There is no fun in forgiveness. I have forgiven (almost against my wish) someone who hurt me very badly. I do not feel any resentment or ill feeling towards him anymore. After a year of seething within, I feel empty now. Suddenly.
I didn't know my anger had an expiry date.

Even worse, I feel that his only punishment was that there is someone in the world who genuinely hates him. I never had any plans to do anything about it. But I thought, I hate him and that must be bad for him, somehow. But now with all that gone, I wonder what did he have to lose?

So may be it is ok to hurt a few people on the way.
You would sleep well and other would too, eventually.

******************************************

I read this story of Einstein being asked by a train conductor for his ticket. After a lengthy search of his pocket, the genius jumped up and pulled his suitcase down from the rack. Recognising his passenger, the conductor said, “Don’t worry, Professor, I’m sure Princeton Univ will pay for another ticket.” Einstein replied: “Young man, it’s not the price of the ticket that worries me. I need to know where I’m going.”

I don't know where I am going.
Unfortunately I can't look it up in any ticket.

Tired of names

2005-05-05T13:31:00.000+05:30

This is what I call my blog, atleast the URL. When I started out to create my Blog, I had other ideas. Much better ones. But all of those were taken.

Isn't it scary that whatever you think, has already been thought of and taken up by someone somewhere in the world? Or is it reassuring, that you are not the only one?

Anyway, this is my first step in the Blogging world. I want it to be an honest, unbiased window to myself. So a lot of people would not like it. Most would not care. Some may read it. Very few would like it and agree. I would write only for self though.

Aimless, blurred, out of focus, ordinary!!